Observations, and mental shut down…

April 25, 2015
chris

Me again….A lot sooner than normal eh? yeah shocker that…most that come here usually wait a few months before I come back, and vomit my drivel lol

but….

I’ve been noticing a few things lately, as my days count down on my current job.

I’ve been drifting…not just in my work…on just about everything,

It’s a mental shut down I guess, my mind knows the end is nigh, and starts to cut the strings, it’s quite extraordinary to watch to be honest,

The most basic of things, like names, work processing, and general observation have begun to shut down.

I don’t mean on a major level, I’m still doing my job like I always have, but the “Process” of my job has gone out the window, that calculation to find the root cause to the issue has left, walked out…lit a fire in an old oil drum, and set up a protest camp outside my mind. (With banners too)

I find when I leave work for the day, I’m suddenly at my bus stop, I remember getting on the bus, then suddenly my stop is approaching with zero memory of the trip.

Same goes for my writing, my significant other will sit with me on the deck, and ask “So..what’s on tonight’s agenda?” and I go “Meh…I don’t know…” there’s nothing there, like my brain checked out for vacation…

Like it knows the end is coming so decided to go chill on that couch sitting within my mind, yet for whatever reason it popped by today to say “….Hey

I was at my usual bus stop, that I get at the usual time, surrounded by the usual people, while the unusual stragglers stumbled past mumbling incoherent shit under their breath.

While waiting I watched a woman in a wheelchair mumble/shout to herself, those around ignored her completely, I turned around, and watched a man in his wheelchair selling a local independent newspaper called “Roots” he’s there every day rain or shine, “Help a guy out…buy the Roots” was his mantra…

Roots I’m told is sold by ex cons, and homeless people, or people just trying to get on their feet, I don’t know anything about it to say any of that is 100% accurate, but those that sell it look very worse for wear, so I’ll assume there is some truth to it.

I looked across the road to my right, and a homeless guy was staggering along muttering, and shaking his head, two more far left, and one old lady dirt encrusted sitting on a bench trying to brush crap of her once fluffy bunny, that has since seen better days.

Business suits walked by totally oblivious to it all, even people on my level seemed…..dulled by its constant presence (I’m rambling I know)

It just surprised me, yet at the same time I came to understand how, and why it happens, I’ve been living in a cloud for weeks now, and for some reason, maybe due to the old crippled lady my brain decided to pop out to say hello.

I started to wonder who she was, what made her get to that position in life, same too the old guy in his daily spot selling Roots, they were all kids once, they all had parents…or maybe not…but they were all once innocent…what the fuck did they go through to get to this point in my timeline?

It’s like serial killers that had good childhoods, yet went on to shock the country…sometimes the world with their actions…these unknowns are like a drug to me, I always need to know, always wonder that “What if?” not for my own life but for theirs…

I just wish my brain would give me notice when it decides to come back ablazin….

Like I mentioned though…I’ve gotten into the rut of day after day life….the daily fog…or rat race as many like to call it, it dulls your senses, for those like me…kinda makes you a little bitter too (Don’t judge me) I’ve given a lot of change, and cigarettes away in my last 7 years and 1 month of working in a city…not for karma points, just because some of these people you can see really fucking need it…the teenagers? at risk of sounding like my father need to sort their shit out and go get a job…

I did the homeless stint for awhile in my 20’s, it’s harder than actually working, so I kind of look at the youth these days as just plain lazy…I’ve heard many refer to America’s current youth as “The entitled generation”….ok…now I’m rambling…

Over all, my observations on not just my shut down, but the sudden blast of realization? on the street has left me wondering down many paths, some dark…others slightly lighter…but over all the fact that We block out those things we know we shouldn’t, and the wondering of why, when we know it’s wrong we do so gladly…saddens me…

Throwing cigarettes or the occasional handful of coins does not a world change….

Such an over populated ignorant hating world…is there room for change?

 

CD